An odd transformation has been happening to me in the time that I've been on a hiatus from work. I have been filling the role of house wife. This is not the ideal occupation for me, my ideals are far from traditional; the notion that I, as the woman at home, have the place of home maker at times seems antiquated to me. I have worked hard to find my place in the world, to find my ideal career. It may not be the most stable of job choices, there is much uncertainty working for a non-profit institution where external funding must be found to support my employment. Long term employment stability does not figure into my equation, it's a place where only a few are fortunate enough to have the security of 'hard' money. But it is where I belong. Despite this uncertainty, which has led to my current situation of temporary house wiferly duty, I find great satisfaction, both emotionally and intellectually, in the work I'm involved with. I am in an environment where I am constantly learning, constantly growing. Only respect and stimulating conversation when different departments gather for lunch or individuals pass each other or consultation for a brief lecture from the expert in the room. These people, who are my co-workers, understand why I want to work where I do, for they have similar ideals; they have similar concerns for the future of biodiversity, for ecological stability of ecosystems on the whole even though we study and document one aspect. Yes, I can't wait till I'm back at work (a concept and enthusiasm Mark has a hard time understanding), when grant money is made available again; then my focus will turn to collecting, documenting and studying insects in Pennsylvania floodplains. My life will again revolve around issues of conservation biology, species identification and taxonomy. I will again be able to pursue my personal research interests, the phylogenetics and systematics of Neotropical Pericopid moths. In the interim, at home, while keeping house I've had time to reflect on my dual roles as an entomology research assistant and that of home maker. I did not imagine myself as the head launderer, continual shuffler of dishes, mopper of floors; but I have come to appreciate and revel in the level of cleanliness of my home, the kind of clean that only comes from dedicated full time effort. I've settled into wonderful little daily and weekly routines, my home life, my home work has a pleasant rhythm, one that I've come to take equal pride in as my chosen career path. Bleach, Murphy's oil soap, Swiffer and Clorox mops-- these are my favored tools at the moment; while the dissecting and soft forceps, field collection supplies and identification guides, the drawers of pinned insects and data-basing are put on the back burner. I need only to remind myself about the pride and satisfaction I have for the work I do at home to quiet the tiny distressed voice in the back of my mind wondering, "I can't possibly only amount to being just a house wife, I have value and potential to contribute and be so much more than this!" It is this conflict of having found a rewarding career and finding similar satisfaction in being a house wife that challenges my ideals; challenging what I expect of myself and where I see myself in the future and looking to strike a balance of these rewards in the future. As it stands, this house is becoming a zero clutter zone. Papers get filed or thrown away, every corner of my home carefully scoured or dusted, touching up paint, laundry hung and folded, plants trimmed and watered. Every item has its place. I've even unearthed boxes that I haven't even looked at since moving out of my first apartment. By all rights, I could have just tossed the box without looking at it, there obviously isn't anything earth shatteringly important about what's contained if I haven't needed to open them in over five years. Yet, I feel obligated to sort through the contents... only to find out that, yes it is a box of garbage and leaving me to wonder what on earth compelled me to pack away all that junk anyway? I am an organizational freak. I admit it. I'm not afraid to admit this. My recent behavior only solidifies that notion. No one can complain about anything being misplaced or not having a home under this roof! (Well, the caveat to this is the basement and garage, those are the realms of Mark; I claim no responsibility for the general disarray that exists below the designated living spaces.) This is frequently a point of pride in my career as well. Though, one would not think so if an outsider were to step behind the scenes of my work place. There is organization amongst the chaos, the chaos is what provides me with some job security; there is no shortage of work to do only a shortage of funds to keep me there. An ongoing project for me at work, one that appeals to that fanatical organizer side of me, is the organization of the department library materials and reprint collection. This is no small feat. There are thousands of books that are in no real discernable order, a just know or just recognize where something is located sort of order, and over 20 years of reprinted journal articles that require housing. Most simply know where to find things just by being there on a day to day basis using a few reliable and favorite resources, but for visitors, there is little hope of finding anything you're looking for. Right now, I hold the key, as I slowly bring collections of publications together; I've become the authority on locating materials. It will be a beautiful and elegant legacy of my time there, if I should not do more notable projects there in the future. Working in libraries has been my 'fall back' position. When I'm in need of a secure job, I look to libraries. I've been everywhere from technical services and processing through public service, I've been in public, academic and law libraries and have served in administrative and supervisory positions. With the skills I have, it's no wonder I've been put to task to the departments collection. In frightening moments, where it seemed funding was not in sight or seeming never to arise, I even contemplated going to graduate school for my M.L.I.S. (Masters of Library and Information Sciences). As much as I love books and organizing information, I do not want to condemn myself to a job that would leave me feeling dissatisfied, unfulfilled and looking for more. I am curious by nature and I have long since determined a research oriented field is where I belong. I realize how fortunate I am. I have an intellectually stimulating and challenging job awaiting me that gives me a tremendous amount of personal and emotional satisfaction and fulfillment. During my hiatus I've had the opportunity to explore another side of me, one that enjoys being a home body. My absence from work has allowed me to dabble in other hobbies and interests, catching up on a back log of books, creating art through a variety of mediums, having time to cook and bake, giving me ample time for daily yoga practice. One more month of this time for myself and caring for my home and family; one more month until I return to my other side. That return is one that's highly anticipated.