One Year

While pregnant, I kept a private journal and wrote letters to ε, in that spirit, this is a love letter to my daughter the night before her first birthday:

Dear Jana:

As I put you to bed tonight, I had a moment, a flash.  I was putting a little girl to bed and thought, “how much you have changed in the 364 days since you’ve arrived.”  A year ago today, this eve, you were still inside me where you were nourished and protected. As you nursed, another moment, and I saw that 8lb newborn in your face and felt how small you were in my arms.  I hope you understand just how grateful I am that we have YOU.

Since you have come in to my life, time has played tricks on me.  The minutes and hours of the day pass so slowly, yet, I am sat here in disbelief that a year has gone by.  Or rather, it seems this journey to your first birthday started at the beginning of last year, almost two years you have been with me.

In nursing for a year now, I am still nourishing you.  I never thought I would love nursing so much and am not sure when we will stop.  It is a special time we have together, little games and songs, your smiling eyes and gaping grins on my skin.  And that laugh!  Oh, how you have that special laugh when you want or are about to have milk!  It is different from your giggles and squeals of delight.  It is your milk laugh!

Deb and JanaI have spent a year with you in my arms, your soft breath in my ear.  Where others complain their little ones no longer want to cuddle, I have relished every second that you and I have snuggled.  You have been in my arms for just about every single one of your naps (with exception of the naps you have spent in your father’s arms).  I was sad when you grew to be too big for the co-sleeper bassinet, I missed looking over and having you at arm’s reach.  Now, I have no regrets that you sleep in our bed every night, even though you do take up much of the bed.

There are not sufficient words to describe my joy, my delight, my gratitude, for your mere existence.  You surprise me everyday with what you can do and learn and communicate to me.  I can not imagine life without you.  And I never thought that I would love being a mom so much.

Tonight I put you to bed, your last night as our baby, for tomorrow is your birthday and you will be our toddler.

Goodnight my little Bunny, sweet dreams!  Love,  Ma-ma.